This week has been a royal struggle to me in multiple ways. First I have had five kids under age three for a week. That is taxing on anyone, but it brought a baby into our home for a week. We snuggled, rocked, laughed, cooed and enjoyed every moment. We thought about our future and wondered if we will ever have another baby.
Wednesday was a terrible day. I went to bed feeling a wave of disappointment but remembered my friend’s blog I had just read. She wrote about a song that touched her soul like a song hasn’t in a long time. As I read the lyrics I found myself in tears. The lyricist was feeling the same pain of infertility and loss as me, and her song summed it up perfectly. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it. I knew it was too powerful to hear right then; however God had other plans.
The next morning as I was driving to my friend’s to babysit her kids while she had a meeting. I had the radio on KLove. Guess what the first song to play was? “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family. (Here is the video and lyrics https://youtu.be/PAmh3yvmzXs.) I cried the rest of the drive to her house. She understood why I was emotional. See she is my best friend because of what we share. We share infertility, foster care, adoption, stay at home mom struggles, husbands who work a lot, being good wives, you name it we share it and talk about it and most of all, we share our Christian journey.
Thursday evening my extra kiddos went home. I was relieved and Friday I began to clean and reorganize from the mess of the week. I was purging my son’s room and I found a box full of newborn onesies that apparently were buried somehow and never made it to storage. It made my cry. I want a baby. I’m not done having tiny snuggles and more than anything I want Kayson and baby girl to experience another sibling. So my emotions are on overload.
Then the next day I get on Facebook to see not one, not two, but THREE pregnant announcements. It’s more than I can take. I deleted the Facebook app from my phone in a desperate attempt to distance myself. Then I cried to my husband, on my husband and we wallowed in pain and disappointment that it is never us that gets to be expecting. I didn’t sleep well…
Woke up this morning to my two getting in bed with me. I made them pancakes and sausage and we had breakfast at home before church. I had picked out a pretty dress for sis to wear but she was adamant that she was wearing the Supergirl “costume” I had picked up at the Goodwill the day before. So then Kase decides he needs Superman too. I let them. They are funny kids and they weren’t dressed inappropriate so we went to church super hero themed.
I went to Starbucks (my Sunday morning coffee stop) and got my espresso frappicinno. We arrived at church early and Charlie (one of my favorite people) met me at the van to carry Kayson inside. (Mind you my child is 36lbs and almost in 4t clothes…but he won’t keep his shoes on for anything…so he has to be carried.) Supergirl walks in and struts her stuff as normal waving and saying hi as we walk to the nursery. Everyone laughs and encourages her. Then walked in and didn’t even tell me goodbye. They are comfortable. And happy at church. They love it.
I sat in the pew alone (like I do most Sunday’s that Brock works) and got comfortable. Then the worship service started. I was listening and happy and thankful to be there and in the mood to worship. Then our worship leader played a new to us song. The words hit me. Hard. And I cried the entire song. I cried so hard I found myself unable to sing. As I wiped away the tears I felt pain but also relief.
The following are the words that touched me:
Our God is the Lion, the Lion of Judah
He’s roaring with power and fighting our battles
And every knee will bow before You
The song is called “The Lion and the Lamb by Big Daddy Weave. (https://youtu.be/rMTfj4xOjZk)
Then our pastor Brandon preached on the following:
We need to be marked by our joy as believers. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” Philippians 4:4
As I lay in bed last night bawling my eyes out in my own disappointment and sadness I found my sorrow overwhelming. I went to bed trying to understand why God brought us into this battle of infertility. It is not easy. And if you haven’t experience it you have no idea the thoughts that we deal with. None of my happiness mattered in that moment. I am not satisfied with my life because of my infertility. The hardness has stolen my joy. I cannot even find joy in other people’s experiences with conception.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6
How has my story affected me as a person? It has killed my happy joyful spirit that I used to have. It has hardened my heart towards people who conceive easily. It has made me bitter towards pregnancy. Any pregnancy. When my friends find themselves expecting I have to unfollow them on Facebook because I cannot watch their pregnancy journey in any detail. However, once they have the baby, I am fine. Why is it that a little pink bundle of joy changes me? Why does a switch flip? There in that bundle is where my joy reappears, but for their nine months, it’s gone. Hidden. Buried.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
How do I let go of my hurt? Of my pain? Of my inability to understand? How do I give up this burden of infertility? I personally cannot. I. Can’t. Do. It. Alone. I have to find a way to give that burden to God. I have to let go of control. I have to say “thy will be done.” I have to battle my negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I may not have a biological child that is part of my husband and myself. I may not have grown a child in my belly. I may not have experienced birth pains to deliver a child. I have however experienced the miracle of adoption once so far. And soon we will experience adoption again as we make baby girl officially ours. Two other women have carried and birthed my babies. They had them removed from their care. They have willingly and unwillingly lost their rights to their children. They have made us a family of soon to be four. The magnitude of that and the devestation they must have felt is something I cannot fathom. Yes I have two beautiful, spunky, amazing toddlers. Yes I love them as I never knew I could, but my heart, it aches for what I do not have.
I need to know that Jesus loves me no matter where I am in my life and even in the midst of suffering he has a plan. He can bring joy to us through our suffering. We have to choose to be joyful and not sorrowful. I can only find my joy in Christ and in Christ alone. We have given our lives to a beautiful Jesus. He is our prize, even in the midst of our sadness.
This Mommy Runs on Starbucks and Jesus 